oppressed

I haven't been as upset in quite a while.
It wasn't that anything about the encounter was particularly upsetting,
Perhaps just the confirmation of what I already knew.
Possibly the hardest thing about being an artist, trapped in the real world
Is that there are people who will appreciate your art,
Those people may not understand the struggle of being an artist.
Being creative may not pay real world bills,
But the ecstasy it injects into your soul is often priceless.
The real world is oppressing to a spirit like mine,
mostly because I know it's not REAL.

Little Sister

Coming up on a year so fast, I can't even tell you where my mind is at. I honestly don't remember how some of the days passed because my mind was so clouded with memories and grief. A lifetime, too short. A life line, cut short. I always imagined us as invincible... I always imagined we'd have each other... to fight with if nothing else. I keep thinking about the last day you lived. The things you told me and how I was looking forward to seeing you the very next day, after being over 3,000 miles away for so many months. Never ever thinking, not even for a second, that when I saw you it would be to say good bye to you in this lifetime, forever. I miss you, more than I ever imagined I would. But then again, I never imagined I miss you this way.

the next place, after our life journey. ..

"Is Mommy coming back?"
There it was, the direct question I'd been dreading.
How could I tell this beautiful little soul, looking up at me through teary doe-like eyes, that her mother was not coming back?
I couldn't bring myself to admit to this baby girl that the last times she saw her Mommy, in an abulance, hospital & finally, laying in front of the church, would be the last times she saw her Mommy in this lifetime. 
Those times are fresh in her mind.
It's been 23 weeks. Even with all the love from her family, she's been lost for 23 weeks. Lost. I can see it in her beautiful eyes when she's thinking about her Mommy.
She's wondering now, is her mommy coming back.
She's been told her Mommy is in heaven & she wants to go too... because she doesn't know how far away heaven really is. & she doesn't know how close she really is to heaven. With just 3 years of life, with 3 years of understanding she believes heaven is a tangible place she can go, she desperately wants to see her mother.
I hold her little body in my arms, her tears fall onto my skin. I explain to her that her Mommy is in the next place. I tell her that we all will go there when we finish our journey in this life. By name she asks if each of her loved ones, including her beloved dog, will go to the next place, & I assure her we all will. Except for when she inquires as to if her great grandmother go to the next place... I tell her she went a few weeks after her Mommy did so that her Mommy wouldn't be lonely. I assure her that I will help her on her life journey in any way that I can & she gives me a kiss.
When I told her I would help her on her journey,  I realized it is part my own journey to help her. & I will.
    I will guide her & I will share her pain without taking pity on her. I will support her choices without making them for her. I will give her all the tools and knowledge that I can to help her choose the right path for her, I will not block a path she may want to take based on my own beliefs. & I will always love her, show her she is loved & make sure she understands that she is loved.

life garden thoughts..

Gardening is a challenge,
It's also one of the most rewarding things I've done. I never understood the fulfillment it could bring, until recently. I always took for granted the bags of tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers that my father gave us straight from his garden.
It's unfortunate that he cannot see my garden, or see what gardening has done for me. I'm grateful for the seed of awakening that he planted in me that he could not see me harvest, and now that I understand his lessons I only wish I could let him know I'm in bloom.
In bloom in just one garden of the stars and galaxies. 
Gardening is a love affair with nature. Nurturing,  and watching the growth brings a peace like no other.
Relatable to watching children grow, I'd say. Watching them grow from tiny seeds in womb, into beautiful blooms of existence in life's garden.
Gardening is literally life. The creation of life to sustain life. What is more amazing?