santa god & "christmas" thoughts...

I can't understand why some people find it so unbelievable that one would want to celebrate nature, like a solstice or equinox, over their bs holidays. We are nature, it's really a shame that it's not socially acceptable to embrace and celebrate it.
I find it amusing that some parents believe that they are teaching their children the "true meaning" of christmas and/or that it's not all about gifts, yet they still buy gifts by the trunk load.
It is particularly amusing when it's ethnic parents and/or christian parents... if you were really teaching your children about christmas you would be teaching them why you don't celebrate it.
My biggest vexation with parents during the holiday season is the whole santa thing. It's increasingly irritating when it's ethnic parents. I don't see how you could teach your child (what you have been made to think is) the true meaning of christmas and at the same time give a fictional character credit for gifts you purchased for your child. I have to keep from laughing at the extent some parents will go to to convince their children that a jolly fat old white guy came into their home and left the presents instead of explaining to the children that as parent's they work hard to provide and also want to make the children happy so they buy them the christmas presents (or something along those lines).
Also, regarding santa. some christmas songs make some disturbing things about santa seem okay... such as "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..."
Some parents even go as far as to remind their children throughout the year that santa is "always watching", reminiscent of what people believe of god.
Concluding my christmas thoughts, I'd just like to remind you that December 25th is not Jesus birthday, nor is it a belated celebration of such. Open a new tab and search "Nimrod".

unrest consumes me...

I cry while people sleep
My soul is searching for peace
My heart is searching for closure
I just want this to be over
The tears should be a release
but neverending is the grief
The unrest consumes me
My days are full of hiding pain
behind everything is going to be okay
My efforts are in vain
Nothing soothes me

nani ∞

before i was born i imagine my soul was swimming gently through a beautiful galaxy...
and then my mother and father created a life.  i believe the universe chose a body for my spirit to reside during my earth journey, based on the souls that created the life. the perfect pair to understand, teach, nurture and guide an indigo child into a conscious queen. i also believe the universe chose my body based on the love & vibrations my nani sent out when this body was just forming inside my mothers womb. the universe gave me to my first two soulmates to guide me before i was born to earth. mom & nani.

i don't understand why people feel that a soul mate can only be a romantic partner and/or that you can only have one soul mate. i count four that are mine. i never imagined losing one. especially not one of my two that have been with me since i began my earth journey. but at last, my beautiful nani has finished her earth journey and her spirit returned to the universe.

when i was early in my journey and trying to understand death, my nani told me that we would all leave this earth eventually, as it is not a permanent home. in my lack of understanding, just the thought that nani would also one day experience death upset me, as i couldn't imagine my life without her. i told her she would always be with me, and she agreed that she would but explained to me that one day our bodies may not be together.

as the years passed, i always feared the day would come, but never imagined it actually would. but i am glad to know her soul is released from the suffering associated with her body and that she is truly free again. her life journey was beautiful and full of love, painful- as all are, and most  importantly, her journey was enjoyed by her and enjoyable to those she shared her life with.

i am so grateful to have been loved so perpetually by one individual. so much so that if i never experienced love from anywhere else or ever again she gave me enough love for a lifetime, enough to make my whole life worthwhile. i am so blessed by the universe to have been able to share my life with her, to learn from her and to love her and even be able to take care of her sometimes- albeit a fraction of the time she took care of me.

i am so sad to lose her physically, although she will forever be apart of me. sadness deeper than any i have EVER known. memories that will never leave me, and a love that will last, even after my soul is free of my body. in spite of my sadness, i find peace that she is free. i am infinitely delighted and eternally beholden that the universe gave her to me.

Gloria E. Turner   01/02/1948 -09/25/2014
"Nani"   ∞

life journey thoughts...

My mother is intelligent, creative, compassionate & fun loving. My father was a cool, laid back, hippie conspiracy theorist.. and me, the indigo love child. I realize that I am the balance of two unique spirits combined to guide me through the first part of my life journey. As I transitioned to another part of my life journey the universe presented to me a soul mate, a partner to match, to protect me and grow with me as we share a journey

everything happens for a reason...

I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. The universe doesn't make mistakes. This is the hardest year I've ever had to understand in all my years of living in this realm. I lost my father, my first pregnancy, and as of this morning, my younger sister. 

It doesn't feel real that my sister no longer exist in this realm. 

I'm waiting to board a flight, that I've been soo excited to take, to go home and visit my family. For the last month and even last night I couldn't wait touch down in New York. Now that I'm waiting at the gate, it's not what I imagined. I'm sitting here heartbroken, instead of anxious and happy. 

You never know what any given day is going to hold. I've been waiting for this day, only to find out it's one of the worst days of my life. 

A parent, a child & a sibling. I don't know if I can deal with any more loss. 

I just have to believe that everything happens for a reason...

staring at the ceiling through darkness and tears

face covered in tears

not the small trails of a few tear drops, waves of tears crashing on my cheeks

but still, laying here in my own bed in pain in the comfort if my own home,

is better than spending another night in the emergency room

trying to explain to a triage nurse what I've been going through for months, 

wait for a bed, be given pills

I have pills here 

they will take blood, maybe order a test

and send me home with no answer,

 no relief more than a pain pill

 & a bill from a doctor who I spoke to for all of four minutes.  

the pain subsides, I relax for a minute and get comfortable 

the pain returns, with it the frustration. 

the constant pain & discomfort is ruining what life I have left...

why i can't support jordan brand...

i read earlier this year that nike made $2.25 billion off the jordan brand in 2013.
two billion, two hundred and fifty million dollars...

in response to such topic, some people tell me they are supporting jordan himself, as if he needs support, and not nike. as if they are supporting a small local business helping jordan put food on his table. i know they might want to believe that, but most people know better. you are supporting a big corporation that doesn't give a damn about you or your community but sure is glad you will spend all your money on their brands. and jordan may be ethnic, but he is not a member of your community. the community of working class people making ends meet (some with more ease than others), or the community of people stuck in impoverished communities.
and please don't tell me about his donations, i'm aware. most stars and companies make donations annually, it has to do with taxes, if you don't understand, research it on your own.

michael jordan is arguably the best basketball player in nba history. i understand people, especially sports fans admiring him. people practically worship jordan, so i can see why a business would be ready to exploit his fame and influence. rayovac batteries, ballpark franks, mcdonalds, hanes, gatorade, chevy... the list goes on. someone of jordans influence is a marketing teams dream come true. nike, in my opinion, is one of the biggest athlete exploiters i know of. especially athletes of color. people of color love to "support" these athletes. with popular athletes like kobe bryant, lebron james, kevin durant and d. rose, nike is making plenty money off of fans rushing to stores to spend their money on the grossly overpriced and of lessening quality footwear.
i'd like to remind you of all the young lives lost over these sneakers, and all the young people spending their paychecks on these sneakers. i've seen many walking into mcdonalds or walking to the bus stop with a fresh pair of jordans. eating ramen noodles daily, with a closet full of sneakers. getting bullied if they don't have these sneakers, and getting injured or killed in robbery attempts if they do have them. doesn't sound like something good for the community, imho.
jordans are mentioned in so many rap songs & seen in so many rap and hip hop videos. if i ever saw a rap video without a pair of jordans in it, i honestly cannot remember. even "conscious" rappers wear them. jordans even get rap songs written solely about them. a hood status symbol. this is what the children watch, and thats part of the reason why they sweat those shoes. the other reason they sweat them is because they see the parents sweat them.
perhaps what irks me the most the situation is the parents who spend money on these sneakers, for rapidly growing children, mind you, and show it off on social media and elsewhere. i have personally seen parents who do not even have a home for their children, showing off  the childs "jays" (as they are affectionately referred to by the ignorant) on instagram, facebook, twitter, etc. parents who live in their parents living room with their toddlers, spending money on these sneakers, to impress who? parents who can't get their children to a drs appointment on their own, because they can't drive or don't own a car, purchasing these sneakers for children who are too young to understand, care or appreciate what this shoe is supposed to represent.
i can't support it.

i hate when people ask me when i'm going to have a child....

i know that it is expected of a young married couple to start a family. and believe me, i'd like to have my own children when the universe blesses us. but seriously, i hate when people ask me when i'm going to have a child. like, what kind of answer are you looking for?
since i ended up having an emergency salpingectomy earlier this year due to a ruptured ectopic, the thought of becoming pregnant again frightens me. and according to the surgeon, i have less chance of getting pregnant and higher risk of complications if i do become pregnant. so i don't know 'when' i'm going to have a child, if i can have one...
i don't mind discussing pregnancy, children, families. i don't mind comments that friends and strangers make about the potential beautiful children my husband and i would have (most of these comments are because we are both of mixed ethnicity). i enjoy when friends & family post pictures of their children and stories of parenting. but i HATE when people ask me when i'm going to have a child. as if i can open my planner and give them an answer.
it's a little painful for me to respond "hopefully, one day" to them. because it reminds me that while others are having their 3rd or 7th child, and while i see news stories daily of children hurt, abandoned or worse at the hand of a parent or otherwise, my only pregnancy didn't even provide me with one child. instead, the visible reminder of scars and the physical pain of scar tissue.
it seems that soo many people are pregnant and having children, regardless of age or marital status. i'm sure it seems unusual for a young married couple to be without child. but believe me it's related to reproductive health and not whether or not i desire to become a parent.
i'm not even twenty five years old yet, i'd like to think i have many years left to have children. and in the meantime, i like being able to enjoy my marriage for what it is. marriage. and when it's time to add parenthood to our routine, we can do that. in the meantime we can dine out & sleep in, should we desire.

stardust. see you next lifetime...

I just woke up from a dream I had years ago. the same exact dream. It feels like watching a movie, but I'm in it. It feels like an almost love story from another lifetime. It ends in with my homocide. 

I feel like I get soo many hints as to what my past lives where like. I also feel like some of the things about me, that I cannot attribute or relate to anything in my developmental years may be carried over. I feel like my journey to enlightenment in this life will settle somewhere deep in my subconscious for my next life. 

I know some people do not believe in multiple lives, however I believe our bodies are recycled matter (stardust!) and our souls travel through different dimensions. I believe when our human body dies here that our souls linger until they have another life to live. I just don't think it's possible for a soul to die. how? it's not like the body which relies on functioning organs and such... 

in this vast universe, our father, where we are made of the same compounds as the stars, where the earth sustains us, our mother... 

all I'm saying is we all come from the earth, and even if we ourselves sustain life (women) we all return to earth as we decompose. 

I hope in my next lifetime I dream of this lifetime, this love I experienced. 

I don't knock what mythology/ religion anyone believes. so please don't knock my personal beliefs that I came to recognize on my own, while you blindly follow a faith handed down to you. 

i hate when people ask why i don't eat meat

i hate when people ask me why i don't eat meat.
because i know they truly do not want to know. no one wants to hear the truth about their "food". they might be genuinely interested, but not interested in an open minded, interested in gaining knowledge kind of way, interested in a way one may be interested in viewing oddities at a museum exhibit.
i understand that eating meat is unfortunately the norm. i also understand that it makes people uncomfortable to hear about the food they eat in ways they haven't thought of.
at a get together, relatively recently, i was asked the question i despise, but am quite used to hearing: "so, why don't you eat meat?" whenever i hear this question soo many things come to mind. in that particular setting i decided to go with a simple answer, one of the easier ones: i have pets, and i wouldn't eat them. so i don't eat any animals. usually any answer to this question is met with a look (the "oh, you're one of those" look) and/or "oooh okay" (as in i don't have anything to respond to that). this time, however, i was met with a response i hadn't yet come across, i was honestly speechless. "even if god put them here to be eaten?" i was so taken aback, that i did not respond. i am the type of person who almost always has a response, even if i choose not to share it.
"even if god put them here to be eaten?"
so many things wrong with that question, as far as i'm concerned.
the thought that if god existed, and was the creator of all creatures, he would put other living, sentient beings here for us to kill and consume just disturbs me.
i do understand the food chain and how things work in the wild, however i do not live "in the wild" and i am an intelligent being (not to say animals aren't intelligent because i believe they may be more intelligent than humans). i decide what i consume, and i made an educated decision that a plant based diet is in my best interest, in regards to health and to my consciousness.

i remember my father taking me to turtle back zoo (west orange, nj). these are actually some of the first memories i have i believe i was around the age of five when he began taking my sister and i. it could have been earlier than that. i remember how in love i was with all the amazing animals. how incredible (and stinky) it was to ride the baby elephant. i remember how many times i ran back to my father for more quarters for feed in the petting zoo and i remember being amused by the feel of the kids and lambs licking the palm of my hand to enjoy the snacks.
when i was in 3rd grade, i decided i wanted to be a vet, so i can help animals. i remember the day i came home and told my parents i was a vegetarian (the first time) because animals have feelings and animals have parents also. over the years i became desensitized to eating meat, i accepted it as normal. i didn't think about it, i just lived with it. admittedly, i lost my consciousness for a while. the school system, the media, religion... whatever the case may be. however, detaching myself from those things i found myself again. and the self i found has the same heart as i did as a child. i love animals and i just can't bring myself to eat meat.

you could do your own research to find out all about the meat you purchase from markets . it's pumped with water, saline and/or other additives since it's sold by weight, it's full of bacteria, it's pumped with chemicals to make it appear fresh and red even though it's actually shades of gray since it is rotting flesh. i'm sure you have seen articles on meat recalls or things found in "chicken nuggets". you may have seen the viral video of the worm moving inside the fish flesh purchased from costco. many people are unknowingly living with parasites, as a result of consuming animal flesh. (but there's a cleanse for that, see the link at the end).
if you are doing research you will also find many studies concluding that vegetarians live longer than meat eaters and vegans live longer healthier lives than all others. people who eat vegetarian and vegan diets have a reduced risk for many illnesses and even cancers. as opposed to meat creating increased risks. if you do research you can educate yourself on how alkaline/acidic food choices relate to cancer and the inhumane treatment of the animals you eat and wear (UGGS!) so i can only conclude that ignorance is bliss and meat eating. that's just my opinion.
after one look at the truth about eggs, and i cannot bring myself to eat an omelette anymore.
you may not have thought of your scrambled or boiled eggs breakfast component as what it really is: part of a chicken's menstrual cycle. but seriously: the truth about eggs
luckily i found a recipe for vegan deviled eggs (do your own google search).
i stopped drinking dairy milk many years before i became vegetarian (the final time). because cow milk is for baby cows, not humans of any age. also i find almond milk, coconut milk and hemp milk to all be delicious in my recipes and in my organic honey nut o's. also, milk contains pus, growth hormones and more disgusting things. so when people say it's something in the water making children grow so fast, i really think it's something in the milk thats responsible. however, there is something in the water: fluoride. but that's another rant entirely.
when i dine with family, friends or in the company of strangers who eat meat i do not judge them or preach to them or question them about their choices when i see a plate full of pork, poultry and fish. i'd like the same respect when i have a plate of plant based options.
also, for the record: please stop claiming to be a vegetarian who eats fish. or a vegetarian that eats chicken and fish. vegetarians do not eat animal flesh, fish are animals, albeit aquatic animals. if you eat them you aren't vegetarian. you might want to educate yourself on what it is to be pescatarian, pollotarian, vegetarian, and vegan before you start claiming titles related to dietary choices.

 i am not writing this to convince anyone to choose a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle, because people do not want to be convinced. every american has some kind of access to the internet, and the internet is full of information they do not seek. people are afraid of knowledge. they are afraid to question what they think they know & what they have been brainwashed to believe.

i like the natural & organic cleanse options from @healthyself360 available here: http://healthyself360.com/-healing.html

smoke filled study...

in the study, the scent of frangipani incense fills the air, as curls of grayish smoke dissipate.
he sits at an industrial style desk made of reclaimed wood. he leans back in his chair pulling deeply the cherry smoke of the midnight blue jeweled shisha positioned on the desk. he blows the smoke out of his lungs slowly, forming dramatic Os that dissipate like the incense smoke.
across the small room she lays across the tufted gray love seat, positioned on throw pillows made of beautiful jewel colored sari wraps. she is just barely illuminated by the light of stained glass Moroccan lanterns positioned throughout the room. her face becomes illuminated by the warm glow of fire as she lights her L.
he walks over to the bar cart, blowing cherry scented Os into the air, and pours her a few sips of amaretto into a rocks glass and brings it over to her. he makes himself comfortable in the matching gray tufted armchair that sits adjacent to her love seat.
he watches her blow indica Os into the air, as she finishes the amaretto, letting the last few amber drops linger... the black lace of her camisole contrast on her olive skin, even in the dim light of a few scattered lanterns. her maxi skirt lies over her thighs and calves like a heavy blanket, falling into every curve as she lounges.
after he can no longer take it her reaches for her, bringing himself close enough to place kisses on her golden skin. in her mind the kisses linger a while, before dissipating on her skin like smoke in the air. he kisses her in the study, amid shelves that contain biographies, novels and books on every subject matter she studied at the university. he kissed her in the study until he decides he will study her.
he moves his hand up the length of her leg, the soft material of the skirt gathering on the back of his hand like waves on the shore. her legs fall open like a beautiful novel dropped onto a coffee table on its spine. and he began to read a loud, enunciating every syllable...

natural hair, self love & consciousness

if you learn to love yourself, the REAL you, you will ALWAYS be fulfilled. stop trying to be regarded as beautiful from people who do not find who you really are attractive.
i offer a few thoughts, to anyone bored enough to read this.
i understand that it is hard for us to deal with "going natural" especially in the early stages.
it's not hard to be natural in general, but it is hard to be natural in a society where who we naturally are isn't widely accepted, is deemed inappropriate for a professional workplace and can even get our children suspended from school.
it's not hard to deal with natural hair, generally speaking. it is hard to deal with our natural hair after we have been conditioned to believe our hair is only somewhat acceptable when it is as tamed as possible. we were taught to tame our beautiful wild crowns, by any means necessary. the self hate is real. so real that we find it perfectly acceptable to attach a synthetic or human hair to our own heads, all in the interest of "beauty". this is the equivalent of a queen removing a crown of jewels and placing a plastic dollar store tiara on her head.
personally, i feel heat is naturally occurring. i do not mind putting heat to my hair occasionally for a silk out or a deep condition. but i do not wish to abuse my hair by putting heat on it regularly.
it's easy to get frustrated with having to spend at least 20 minutes at night to ensure that my hair will behave the way i want it to in the morning. but after fifteen months, it has become my normal routine. replacing my previous norm of fifteen years, which was to relax my hair chemically.
my first indication that the process of relaxing, or as it is commonly mis-referred to: perming , wasn't for me is that it didn't work as expected. even after a relaxer my hair was still curly and would still begin to form locs after a few days. however, the chemicals did work well at relaxing my roots so my curls would fall down instead of growing upwards into an afro.
based on what i know to be true and what i accept as truth, if there is any of my features that elude to traces of african ancestry or moorish descent it would be my hair. this is also confirmed to me by the amount of times someone has said to me anything along the lines of: "i thought you were (any race) but you have (any variation of "black people") hair. my choice is to embrace it.
although the natural 'movement' is gaining popularity, it is still the norm within our community to put all kinds of chemicals on your hair and sit and wait for it to begin to burn, and perhaps longer. to endure the burning of your scalp and hair due to the chemicals you purchased at a beauty supply store, the kind of store where we pour our money away from our community and into the pockets of those who are exploiting our ignorance and self hate, the same stores where they will eye ball the hell out of you and/or follow you to make sure you don't swipe a pair of $3 earrings that they paid .30 for.
some people claim it's just a preference, to each her own. if you don't overstand that it's deeper than that, i can't help you. know that your preference can be biased (depending on your level of consciousness) due to years of programing and conditioning.
natural or relaxed, self love is necessary. growing up i met many beautiful insecure queens. in our ignorance we were doing anything to be "beautiful". a few of us learned to love ourselves, a lot of us never did. body issues, eating disorders, self esteem issues can all be alleviated by elevation of consciousness. if we can experience the true fulfillment of self love some of the other issues will at least begin to work themselves out.

barnes & noble observation

in this age of technology, we are losing the art of conversation and replacing the fulfillment of human interaction with social networking. 

the small town feeling that comes with knowing the local shop owners has been replaced by big box stores. 

albeit a chain retailer, when i'm in barnes & noble i'm somewhat reminded of what life used to be. when you had to go to a library to do research and people read for recreation. 

for some reason, in this store, people post up with homework, paperwork & of course, good books. 

in the part of the store that has bistro seating i have seen people meet for dates, coffee & i have even seen an older couple bring in takeout and have dinner. seriously. i was able to catch that moment on camera. 

the most interesting thing to me, is that this location is in a regular open air mall. the things i see here, are what i expect to see at a university library. any time i'm in the store there are people curled up in the corners reading, on the floor when all the chairs are taken. on a more recent visit i saw a young woman, who had pulled another chair to act as an ottoman, lounging with a book like she was on her sofa at home. 

the most important thing i see here that i do not see at other retailers is human interaction. people discussing great literature or any of the topics between the pages of any given book. all these things lead me to believe that barnes & noble is the last great retailer in america. & also a great place for loiterers. 

my dad.

i think about my dad's last moments in the hospital. the end of life.
when we die, we no longer exist. and it makes me question, what existence even means. do we ever even exist at all?
when i think about the size of us as individuals, compared to this space rock we sustain life on,
i think about this world big enough for sooo many of us to live our lives, and how small this planet really is in relation to the universe. our planet is just a speck in these vast cosmos. so what are we?
my father was the black sheep of his family.
as i understand, me, being a mixed ethnicity love child, product of an interracial relationship,  i am partially the justification for that.
my dad loved my mother, then me, and then my little sister. in that order.
he didn't care about his family and their prejudice, judgement and hatred.
although it caused me pain for years to not be loved or acknowledged by my dad's entire family i eventually came to realize that the love my dad gave me was more than enough to cover what i thought i was missing from them. and that the loss is theirs.
when i say eventually i mean a at the age of 20 while i was "away" at kean university i had to drive (just over a half hour away) to my father to get his signature on a document for financial aid. when he told me i would have to stop by his parents home instead of him meeting me somewhere nearby the thought of having to be in their presence after all those years just broke me down. i seriously cried my eyes out my dorm room shower. at some point during my emotional breakdown my suitemate, one of my dear friends, returned to the room and when i say she was there for me, that is an understatement. she rolled up and took the ride with me, after she helped me get myself together.
as a young child, i remember asking my dad questions. as we sat on the perimeter of the pool, our legs in the water at the sea shell motel during one of our annual summer wildwood trips, i asked my dad why his parents didn't love me and my sister. i remember my dad telling me something along the lines of them not even loving him and that as long as we loved each other, it was all good. it took me many years to really understand that he was right.
when we arrived to his parents house, my suitemate stayed in the car. i went to the door to get my dad to come outside. for all of five minutes i was in the presence of my grandparents, and i realized: of course they didn't love me, they didn't even know me. but they were missing the love of a grandchild i was not missing the love of a grandparent AT ALL. my maternal grandmother, my nani, gave me more love than anyone could ever need in this lifetime. and when my mom got married, i got more loving grandparents, especially my beloved gpa. as i stood in the foyer, just inside the closed door, away from the evening chill, i looked at these people. these "grandparents" of mine. a grandfather who always seemed more cool than the grandmother, whose name i do not even know. all the anxiety i felt prior to leaving campus, disappeared. i saw two people who would never know the love of the grandchildren they didn't want to acknowledge. twenty years old & it all made sense. my dad had put on his jacket and we went outside where he spent a few moments talking to me and my friend presley until the jersey night air became too much for all of us and our hoodies. it was almost hoodie weather, but after a half hour passed it was just too cold.
i wish i understood earlier in life, that we (my mother, my sister and i) were all my father had. i wish i understood earlier that even though he had a couple girlfriends over the years, essentially my sister and i were his family, we were his life and everything he did- he did with us in mind. i wish i understood all that earlier in life so that i would have been more understanding. at times i thought my dad was just calling to bug me or i would not speak to him after a little disagreement or argument. however, i am glad i came to understand at all.
of course now, as i sit here, i wish my dad was sitting next to me playing his guitar. i can hear him in my memories playing "sitting on the dock of the bay" by otis redding on a wildwood boardwalk bench. i can even remember the waves crashing in the back, beyond the sounds of the morey's piers attractions. in my memories i am sitting next to my blue eyed old man, me deeply tanned skin with the faintest freckles and wild curls. me and my daddy at the beach.
if we even exist at all: my dad, albeit recently deceased from this earth, will exist as long as i exist.
because, as much as i would have hated to admit all these years, i am very much like my father.
part of who i am as a person is due to my father, and he and i are each other.
people always say to the grieving, as a comfort with condolences, that the person you love will always be with you, even though they are deceased. i can say, i know this to be true.
my daddy passed away on january 3rd of this year, to cancer.
after leaving voicemails on his cell phone, every other day for over two months i learned of his passing on march 15th. in retrospect, i admit i knew every time that i left a voicemail that my daddy would not receive it. my soul knew. i willed myself to believe that he lost his cell phone or lost the charger. when i came to learn the circumstances and reality, it was a confirmation of what i already knew but didn't want to accept.
on this little speck of planet, in these vast cosmos, i experienced something that unfortunately not everyone gets to experience: the love and the bond that a daughter can share with her father. our relationship, much like our lives, was no where near perfect. i remember many times we hung up on each other while arguing over the phone, but i remember more hugs and kisses than i remember arguments. and all the love we shared was perfect enough.
my daddy will remain a part of me, even when i myself am gone from life on this earth. our souls are connected. our bond infinite love.

death is a birth of its own

the worst part of life is death. not your own death, but the people you lose. 

when people say the deceased are in a better place, i believe them. 

because i believe there is more than this life. much more. 

when people say this life is hell already, i reject that. i don't believe that life on earth is hell. 

because we can experience love in this life, which means this life is beautiful. 

a life with no love, is hell. so hell must be void of love.

death hurts the living, because of love. 

love is the meaning of life. 

death is a part of life. 

love is beyond death,

so love is beyond life. 

death is as beautiful as birth, 

because death is a birth of it's own. 

capitalization, curse words & giraffes

i've been wanting to do this for a while. blog my life.
i must not be the only person who feels better for writing something. even if no one reads it.
for me, i have soo many thoughts throughout the day. tweeting isn't fulfilling since twitter has been overrun by the general public in recent years. and sharing things on facebook isn't fulfilling, because facebook is for twerk videos, fight videos and images that you must share immediately to get a miracle from god or to prevent some crazy spirit from murdering you in your sleep.
whatever.
i guess i have been looking for somewhere to share my thoughts. i don't mind if they are even read or not. i just want them to exist somewhere outside of my mind.
so here i am.
if you are one of those grammar freaks, please understand. i am educated & exceptionally well written as per the education system standards, as well as professional standards. however, this for me will be as casual as my life. so disregard the lack of capitalization. and the lack of fully formed sentences. i may use my creative license to express myself without the grammar rules we learned in elementary school.
i may also express myself with what some people feel is vulgar language or curse words. in my opinion all words are created equal for self expression, i do not find these words offensive and if you do- please understand that my intent is not to offend anyone, only to express myself.
anyway,
i have never liked capitalization rules. and who decides which words are vulgar/ offensive? if you were raised thinking the word "giraffe" was a swear word would you be offended every time you saw one at the zoo or elsewhere? just because you grow up with someone (or society) dictating things to you and even if you believe them to be true, that doesn't mean they are.
also, if you see giraffes anywhere outside of a zoo please let me know. (living in america problems)