oppressed

I haven't been as upset in quite a while.
It wasn't that anything about the encounter was particularly upsetting,
Perhaps just the confirmation of what I already knew.
Possibly the hardest thing about being an artist, trapped in the real world
Is that there are people who will appreciate your art,
Those people may not understand the struggle of being an artist.
Being creative may not pay real world bills,
But the ecstasy it injects into your soul is often priceless.
The real world is oppressing to a spirit like mine,
mostly because I know it's not REAL.

Little Sister

Coming up on a year so fast, I can't even tell you where my mind is at. I honestly don't remember how some of the days passed because my mind was so clouded with memories and grief. A lifetime, too short. A life line, cut short. I always imagined us as invincible... I always imagined we'd have each other... to fight with if nothing else. I keep thinking about the last day you lived. The things you told me and how I was looking forward to seeing you the very next day, after being over 3,000 miles away for so many months. Never ever thinking, not even for a second, that when I saw you it would be to say good bye to you in this lifetime, forever. I miss you, more than I ever imagined I would. But then again, I never imagined I miss you this way.

the next place, after our life journey. ..

"Is Mommy coming back?"
There it was, the direct question I'd been dreading.
How could I tell this beautiful little soul, looking up at me through teary doe-like eyes, that her mother was not coming back?
I couldn't bring myself to admit to this baby girl that the last times she saw her Mommy, in an abulance, hospital & finally, laying in front of the church, would be the last times she saw her Mommy in this lifetime. 
Those times are fresh in her mind.
It's been 23 weeks. Even with all the love from her family, she's been lost for 23 weeks. Lost. I can see it in her beautiful eyes when she's thinking about her Mommy.
She's wondering now, is her mommy coming back.
She's been told her Mommy is in heaven & she wants to go too... because she doesn't know how far away heaven really is. & she doesn't know how close she really is to heaven. With just 3 years of life, with 3 years of understanding she believes heaven is a tangible place she can go, she desperately wants to see her mother.
I hold her little body in my arms, her tears fall onto my skin. I explain to her that her Mommy is in the next place. I tell her that we all will go there when we finish our journey in this life. By name she asks if each of her loved ones, including her beloved dog, will go to the next place, & I assure her we all will. Except for when she inquires as to if her great grandmother go to the next place... I tell her she went a few weeks after her Mommy did so that her Mommy wouldn't be lonely. I assure her that I will help her on her life journey in any way that I can & she gives me a kiss.
When I told her I would help her on her journey,  I realized it is part my own journey to help her. & I will.
    I will guide her & I will share her pain without taking pity on her. I will support her choices without making them for her. I will give her all the tools and knowledge that I can to help her choose the right path for her, I will not block a path she may want to take based on my own beliefs. & I will always love her, show her she is loved & make sure she understands that she is loved.

life garden thoughts..

Gardening is a challenge,
It's also one of the most rewarding things I've done. I never understood the fulfillment it could bring, until recently. I always took for granted the bags of tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers that my father gave us straight from his garden.
It's unfortunate that he cannot see my garden, or see what gardening has done for me. I'm grateful for the seed of awakening that he planted in me that he could not see me harvest, and now that I understand his lessons I only wish I could let him know I'm in bloom.
In bloom in just one garden of the stars and galaxies. 
Gardening is a love affair with nature. Nurturing,  and watching the growth brings a peace like no other.
Relatable to watching children grow, I'd say. Watching them grow from tiny seeds in womb, into beautiful blooms of existence in life's garden.
Gardening is literally life. The creation of life to sustain life. What is more amazing? 

santa god & "christmas" thoughts...

I can't understand why some people find it so unbelievable that one would want to celebrate nature, like a solstice or equinox, over their bs holidays. We are nature, it's really a shame that it's not socially acceptable to embrace and celebrate it.
I find it amusing that some parents believe that they are teaching their children the "true meaning" of christmas and/or that it's not all about gifts, yet they still buy gifts by the trunk load.
It is particularly amusing when it's ethnic parents and/or christian parents... if you were really teaching your children about christmas you would be teaching them why you don't celebrate it.
My biggest vexation with parents during the holiday season is the whole santa thing. It's increasingly irritating when it's ethnic parents. I don't see how you could teach your child (what you have been made to think is) the true meaning of christmas and at the same time give a fictional character credit for gifts you purchased for your child. I have to keep from laughing at the extent some parents will go to to convince their children that a jolly fat old white guy came into their home and left the presents instead of explaining to the children that as parent's they work hard to provide and also want to make the children happy so they buy them the christmas presents (or something along those lines).
Also, regarding santa. some christmas songs make some disturbing things about santa seem okay... such as "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..."
Some parents even go as far as to remind their children throughout the year that santa is "always watching", reminiscent of what people believe of god.
Concluding my christmas thoughts, I'd just like to remind you that December 25th is not Jesus birthday, nor is it a belated celebration of such. Open a new tab and search "Nimrod".

unrest consumes me...

I cry while people sleep
My soul is searching for peace
My heart is searching for closure
I just want this to be over
The tears should be a release
but neverending is the grief
The unrest consumes me
My days are full of hiding pain
behind everything is going to be okay
My efforts are in vain
Nothing soothes me

nani ∞

before i was born i imagine my soul was swimming gently through a beautiful galaxy...
and then my mother and father created a life.  i believe the universe chose a body for my spirit to reside during my earth journey, based on the souls that created the life. the perfect pair to understand, teach, nurture and guide an indigo child into a conscious queen. i also believe the universe chose my body based on the love & vibrations my nani sent out when this body was just forming inside my mothers womb. the universe gave me to my first two soulmates to guide me before i was born to earth. mom & nani.

i don't understand why people feel that a soul mate can only be a romantic partner and/or that you can only have one soul mate. i count four that are mine. i never imagined losing one. especially not one of my two that have been with me since i began my earth journey. but at last, my beautiful nani has finished her earth journey and her spirit returned to the universe.

when i was early in my journey and trying to understand death, my nani told me that we would all leave this earth eventually, as it is not a permanent home. in my lack of understanding, just the thought that nani would also one day experience death upset me, as i couldn't imagine my life without her. i told her she would always be with me, and she agreed that she would but explained to me that one day our bodies may not be together.

as the years passed, i always feared the day would come, but never imagined it actually would. but i am glad to know her soul is released from the suffering associated with her body and that she is truly free again. her life journey was beautiful and full of love, painful- as all are, and most  importantly, her journey was enjoyed by her and enjoyable to those she shared her life with.

i am so grateful to have been loved so perpetually by one individual. so much so that if i never experienced love from anywhere else or ever again she gave me enough love for a lifetime, enough to make my whole life worthwhile. i am so blessed by the universe to have been able to share my life with her, to learn from her and to love her and even be able to take care of her sometimes- albeit a fraction of the time she took care of me.

i am so sad to lose her physically, although she will forever be apart of me. sadness deeper than any i have EVER known. memories that will never leave me, and a love that will last, even after my soul is free of my body. in spite of my sadness, i find peace that she is free. i am infinitely delighted and eternally beholden that the universe gave her to me.

Gloria E. Turner   01/02/1948 -09/25/2014
"Nani"   ∞