staring at the ceiling through darkness and tears

face covered in tears

not the small trails of a few tear drops, waves of tears crashing on my cheeks

but still, laying here in my own bed in pain in the comfort if my own home,

is better than spending another night in the emergency room

trying to explain to a triage nurse what I've been going through for months, 

wait for a bed, be given pills

I have pills here 

they will take blood, maybe order a test

and send me home with no answer,

 no relief more than a pain pill

 & a bill from a doctor who I spoke to for all of four minutes.  

the pain subsides, I relax for a minute and get comfortable 

the pain returns, with it the frustration. 

the constant pain & discomfort is ruining what life I have left...

why i can't support jordan brand...

i read earlier this year that nike made $2.25 billion off the jordan brand in 2013.
two billion, two hundred and fifty million dollars...

in response to such topic, some people tell me they are supporting jordan himself, as if he needs support, and not nike. as if they are supporting a small local business helping jordan put food on his table. i know they might want to believe that, but most people know better. you are supporting a big corporation that doesn't give a damn about you or your community but sure is glad you will spend all your money on their brands. and jordan may be ethnic, but he is not a member of your community. the community of working class people making ends meet (some with more ease than others), or the community of people stuck in impoverished communities.
and please don't tell me about his donations, i'm aware. most stars and companies make donations annually, it has to do with taxes, if you don't understand, research it on your own.

michael jordan is arguably the best basketball player in nba history. i understand people, especially sports fans admiring him. people practically worship jordan, so i can see why a business would be ready to exploit his fame and influence. rayovac batteries, ballpark franks, mcdonalds, hanes, gatorade, chevy... the list goes on. someone of jordans influence is a marketing teams dream come true. nike, in my opinion, is one of the biggest athlete exploiters i know of. especially athletes of color. people of color love to "support" these athletes. with popular athletes like kobe bryant, lebron james, kevin durant and d. rose, nike is making plenty money off of fans rushing to stores to spend their money on the grossly overpriced and of lessening quality footwear.
i'd like to remind you of all the young lives lost over these sneakers, and all the young people spending their paychecks on these sneakers. i've seen many walking into mcdonalds or walking to the bus stop with a fresh pair of jordans. eating ramen noodles daily, with a closet full of sneakers. getting bullied if they don't have these sneakers, and getting injured or killed in robbery attempts if they do have them. doesn't sound like something good for the community, imho.
jordans are mentioned in so many rap songs & seen in so many rap and hip hop videos. if i ever saw a rap video without a pair of jordans in it, i honestly cannot remember. even "conscious" rappers wear them. jordans even get rap songs written solely about them. a hood status symbol. this is what the children watch, and thats part of the reason why they sweat those shoes. the other reason they sweat them is because they see the parents sweat them.
perhaps what irks me the most the situation is the parents who spend money on these sneakers, for rapidly growing children, mind you, and show it off on social media and elsewhere. i have personally seen parents who do not even have a home for their children, showing off  the childs "jays" (as they are affectionately referred to by the ignorant) on instagram, facebook, twitter, etc. parents who live in their parents living room with their toddlers, spending money on these sneakers, to impress who? parents who can't get their children to a drs appointment on their own, because they can't drive or don't own a car, purchasing these sneakers for children who are too young to understand, care or appreciate what this shoe is supposed to represent.
i can't support it.

i hate when people ask me when i'm going to have a child....

i know that it is expected of a young married couple to start a family. and believe me, i'd like to have my own children when the universe blesses us. but seriously, i hate when people ask me when i'm going to have a child. like, what kind of answer are you looking for?
since i ended up having an emergency salpingectomy earlier this year due to a ruptured ectopic, the thought of becoming pregnant again frightens me. and according to the surgeon, i have less chance of getting pregnant and higher risk of complications if i do become pregnant. so i don't know 'when' i'm going to have a child, if i can have one...
i don't mind discussing pregnancy, children, families. i don't mind comments that friends and strangers make about the potential beautiful children my husband and i would have (most of these comments are because we are both of mixed ethnicity). i enjoy when friends & family post pictures of their children and stories of parenting. but i HATE when people ask me when i'm going to have a child. as if i can open my planner and give them an answer.
it's a little painful for me to respond "hopefully, one day" to them. because it reminds me that while others are having their 3rd or 7th child, and while i see news stories daily of children hurt, abandoned or worse at the hand of a parent or otherwise, my only pregnancy didn't even provide me with one child. instead, the visible reminder of scars and the physical pain of scar tissue.
it seems that soo many people are pregnant and having children, regardless of age or marital status. i'm sure it seems unusual for a young married couple to be without child. but believe me it's related to reproductive health and not whether or not i desire to become a parent.
i'm not even twenty five years old yet, i'd like to think i have many years left to have children. and in the meantime, i like being able to enjoy my marriage for what it is. marriage. and when it's time to add parenthood to our routine, we can do that. in the meantime we can dine out & sleep in, should we desire.

stardust. see you next lifetime...

I just woke up from a dream I had years ago. the same exact dream. It feels like watching a movie, but I'm in it. It feels like an almost love story from another lifetime. It ends in with my homocide. 

I feel like I get soo many hints as to what my past lives where like. I also feel like some of the things about me, that I cannot attribute or relate to anything in my developmental years may be carried over. I feel like my journey to enlightenment in this life will settle somewhere deep in my subconscious for my next life. 

I know some people do not believe in multiple lives, however I believe our bodies are recycled matter (stardust!) and our souls travel through different dimensions. I believe when our human body dies here that our souls linger until they have another life to live. I just don't think it's possible for a soul to die. how? it's not like the body which relies on functioning organs and such... 

in this vast universe, our father, where we are made of the same compounds as the stars, where the earth sustains us, our mother... 

all I'm saying is we all come from the earth, and even if we ourselves sustain life (women) we all return to earth as we decompose. 

I hope in my next lifetime I dream of this lifetime, this love I experienced. 

I don't knock what mythology/ religion anyone believes. so please don't knock my personal beliefs that I came to recognize on my own, while you blindly follow a faith handed down to you.